♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You have been having the best birthday season of all time! Whether or not the birthday gods have shone their love onto you in the form of sunlight, everyone else is happy to ride your coattails and ring in the spring season like it’s already summer. Thanks for being born this time of year. Couldn’t have done it without you.
♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
That little white lie you told your friends about being a quarter of an inch taller than you actually are is catching up to you. It will quickly be diminished though when you prove to be the only one at Quizzo who knows the right answer to, “Which other celebrity died the same day as Michael Jackson?” (The answer is Farrah Fawcett, but you knew that).
♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)
So you dropped your iPhone in the toilet for the second time. And you sat on your laptop when you were waking up from a nap. But hey, chin up, technology could possibly be on your side this week… if Villanova’s wi-fi holds up.
♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)
You ordered onion rings from Café Nova, just like every Thursday, when you see one ring is stuffed with five onions. We all know the onions are just a formality for you to eat fried goodness. One ring to rule them all, but five onions is a little much. This foreshadows some serious ring business in your future, if you know what I mean.
♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Be weary of highlighter paint getting in your eyes, but aside from that go all out for Alesso. Pull out the purple leggings and the floral jacket your grandma wore in the ’80s, because it’s time to get noticed at this concert. Spoiler alert, you’re meeting your spouse there, and it might be Alesso.
♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
Lucky you! Your classes keep getting canceled during this week of beautiful weather. And we both know when we say “canceled” that you are canceling them for yourself and doing other things. Whether it’s “truancy Tuesday” or “open-notes Wednesday,” keep doing you. These life decisions are big ones, and you’re making all the right ones.
♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
Chances are you went on SEARCH this weekend. You haven’t stopped smiling since you got back Sunday afternoon. Soak this in because life is good. Lay out at the Oreo for a couple of hours and relish the sun while multitudes of friends pass by and keep your good mood going. Keep hugging and keep living. You’re great at being you.
♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
It’s Greek Week!!!! But the stars didn’t have to remind you of that. You are Greeked-out to the nines, sporting your letters and your Greek facial expression non-stop. Good luck with your events as the week draws to a close and you begin counting down to next year. Just remember it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about tanks and shades.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
You had a language test yesterday and it did not go quite as planned. After almost passing out from all the conjugating you did, you looked to the last section for a glimmer of hope. Luckily, the composition revolved around writing about yourself, which you’re really good at.
♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
You got your tan on in this beautiful, sunny weather in preparation for all the formals you’ve been invited to. I use the term “invited to” loosely. So what if you’re crashing a few? No one will notice if they just think your someone’s date, right? Good luck.
♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
You may not have made it onto Jeopardy, but it doesn’t mean you’re not a genius. Keep using your eloquent yet abstract vernacular. If you say the 2010 pseudo-thriller “Piranha” knew what it was, own that. If you do the crossword every single Thursday while no one else does, keep doing you.
♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Your dance show went swimmingly this weekend, and people have been asking why you haven’t shown off those moves before. Take advantage of the crowds near the Oreo and do a solo flash mob. You won’t regret it (or you might) and people will admire your bravery and spunk.