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A satirical account of students prioritizing self over world

 

Walking around campus this week, it might seem as though students have nothing in the world to worry about; they don’t.

Sure, thousands of men, women and children were horrifically slaughtered by the hand of their own government in Syria, and of course, 12 people were murdered by a psychotic gunman in a D.C. Navy Yard, but the fact of the matter is, ‘Nova students have good reason to care less about such petty tragedies. Apple’s iOS 7 came out last Thursday.

“It’s already hard to care about things that happen in far off places that don’t affect me,” said Meghan Gallagher, a senior accounting major from Darien, Conn., “but it’s even more difficult when I have a new update from Apple to distract me every once in a while.”

iOS 7, Apple’s newest mobile operating system for iPhones and iPads, has relieved many students like Gallagher from the responsibility of caring about the lives of other human beings whom they have never met.

“I mean, who wants to have to deal with the worry and regret that you feel when you hear that other people are being mercilessly murdered?” Gallagher reasoned. “Apple knows that I don’t need to have things like that on my conscience. They get it.”

Companies like Apple understand that University students don’t have time to care about world tragedies.

They are busy social networkers who have Twitter notifications to respond to and budding artists who have colorful photos to post on Instagram.

“My life is already hectic enough,” said Christopher D’Orazio.

“One minute, I have a notification about our mixer with Tri-Delt to respond to, the next minute I have to post an Instagram of this sweet waffle I made at the Pit and, before you know it, it’s time to send a snapchat of this cutie I spotted walking by Connelly.”

Among all of the business, however, students are still troubled to find that feelings of guilt and sadness about Syria and mass shootings still creep into their minds every once in a while.

D’Orazio said that he didn’t want people to think that his busy schedule and his relationship with his iPhone prevent him from having to deal with troubled thoughts about world violence. “Don’t get me wrong, I still have to think about Syria sometimes. I can’t keep it out of my head. Look, I’m talking about it right now aren’t I?”

“Check this out. I’ll go to my CNN app right now,” he added as he reached for his phone.

After unlocking his phone via Apple’s new Finger Print Technology, D’Orazio appeared to become distracted.

“Sorry, sorry, I just can’t get over this new background thing. Look at that! The picture is moving behind my icons! That’s so sweet…what was I looking up again?” said the puzzled D’Orazio.

You yourself may have noticed a feeling of slight interest as you tuned into the highlights of Obama’s speech on Syria a few weeks ago, or perhaps a professor mentioned the mass shooting in D.C. last week.

It’s troubling, but easy to find yourself drifting into a semi-deep thought process about gun violence and that there might be a need for more intensive background checks, or you might even find yourself beginning to wonder what it would be like to have your entire family painfully murdered by poisonous chemical gases. Luckily, those negative thoughts are now a thing of the past.

Apple gives students plenty of opportunities to remember that they have nothing to worry about. The many new iOS features include a new set of ringtones and alarms, the ability to dismiss a notification across all of your iOS devices, a snazzy Multitasking feature, Airdrop for your many files, an improved and sexier version of Siri, that sweet dynamic image for your background screen and, most importantly, the inclinometer for all of you Mr. and Mrs. Fix It’s out there. Along with those many new features, it’s impossible to forget Apple’s long-awaited release of the iPhone 5s and 5c.

“Life was getting kind of depressing when everyone was talking about the war with Syria and what not, but then the iPhone 5c came out with all of those new colors!” exclaimed Katie Forsberg, a freshman nursing student from Doylestown, Pa. “My pink 5c was delivered yesterday! It really brightened up my semester so far.”

Apple’s updates came out just in time too. Imagine if students had to spend this week caring about the mall shooting in Kenya or if the suicide bombing of a funeral in Iraq reminded students that Iraqis are still being slaughtered every day. What a depressing week this would have been.

 

Tom Trainer is a Political Science and Honors major from Havertown,PA. He can be reached at ttrainer@villanova.edu. 

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