A satirical account of the US Government shutdown
Students are noticeably shaken and weary, yet relieved this week as they return to campus. The devastating 16-day government shutdown was a shock to students who did not fully realize the sheer destruction that had overcome the real world United States until they stepped off of campus last Wednesday.
“There’s been a lot of talk about the Villanova ‘bubble’ recently and how we’re so protected from what happens in the real world,” commented Ethan MacDonnell. “I mean, I knew it was bad out there, but I had no idea it was this bad.”
MacDonnell and his mother, Anna, had planned a day trip to New York City to see the Liberty Bell and Ellis Island, but they were shocked to find the city entirely abandoned.
“We noticed that there was no one over at the Liberty State Park for the ferry boats, so we decided to go downtown and maybe check out Time Square and what not,” MacDonnell said.
To the horror of both him and his mother, downtown Manhattan was vacant and overgrown with weed trees and grass shooting through cracks in the street.
MacDonnell noted that the downfall of the economy during the shutdown became glaringly obvious when they wandered down toward Wall Street only to find that the famous bull statue had been replaced by real animals that were wildly roaming the streets after escaping from the Central Park Zoo.
“It was insane,” said MacDonnell to reporters. “There was a lion tearing through what was left of a MacDonald’s and monkeys playing in the trees at Battery Park, but no people anywhere…until the sun went down.”
What happened next was not described in full detail, but MacDonnell did tell reporters about how a group of half-zombie and half-vampire predators came out in the darkness to hunt for him and his mother.
“I knew that the shutdown had gotten people really angry, but I didn’t know they’d be that upset” MacDonnell stated. “I think I heard one of the zombies yell ‘death to Obamacare!’ or something along those lines.”
Fortunately, he and his mother were able to seek refuge with another man who had been unaffected by the shutdown.
The man, a virologist named Rob, was able to fend off the man-eating shutdown victims with UV projectors for some time before he ultimately had to sacrifice his own life by detonating a grenade in order to kill the predators.
The MacDonnells were able to escape with an antidote that Rob had made in order to inject rationality and compromise into those who could end the shutdown
The antidote was delivered to Congress last Wednesday. A similar story of terror was shared by sophomore, Emily Wilson. “I am so relieved to be back at school after living an entire week in utter chaos and fear,” said the Boston native. Wilson fled from her home after hearing her father and grandfather “go on and on” about how the shutdown of the government would lead to an alien invasion.
“It was so scary…they told me about how this shutdown was just a part of the domino effect that would eventually lead to immigration reforms and a mass invasion of aliens,” Wilson told reporters.
“My daddy said that the aliens are actually already here, and that one day a massive storm would strike the aliens up from below and they would destroy us with big machines and red slimy tentacles.”
Wilson’s story, however, did provide a soothing solution for how the alien invasion might be thwarted. She claimed that the smallest and most useless creatures on the planet would actually have to be the ones to step up and stop the alien invasion.
It would be up to Congress to save mankind from what lies below. Fortunately for Wilson and many other students, they are back on the safe grounds of the University where they can find peaceful refuge away from the destruction and horror that currently is real world America in the aftermath of the government shutdown.
At press time, several reporters were overheard murmuring about how the students’ stories sounded eerily familiar to the plots of “I Am Legend” and “War of the Worlds.”
Tom Trainer is a Political Science and Honors major from Havertown,PA. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.